It's 3 am
I have not written a blog post (well, a published blog post) in ages.
Today, my awesome, wonderful, loving, young (really--he's only 42 soon to be 43!) strong, tough father was admitted to the hospital--he had been experiencing shortness of breath and wheezing for a month or so now, and had lost a considerable amount of weight (20+ lbs). At some point during the day it became impossible for him to breathe, and he expereinced heart failure. He as admitted to St. Lukes around 3 p.m. and continued to float in and out of consciousness for hours.
The one and only time I have seen my father suffer from anything greater than a sinus infection was about 17 years ago. (We reminisced about this story over the phone a few hours ago). He had gotten into a pretty bad car accident, and had to undergo a couple hours of surgery. Post-op, my mom walked me into his hospital room--I was bout 6 at the time--and I remember instantly bursting into tears upon seeing him in the bed all bandaged up. Really, my tears we're a bit uncalled for, at least to the degree in which I cried. By the time I saw him he was out of surgery, pretty chipper and rather mobile. The bandages threw me off though. I was not used to seeing my father so, helpless and so human. Dad had not broken the super man characterization in my mind yet :)
Anyhow, my dad was surprised to know that I even remembered coming to visit him. That hospital room 17 years ago forever reshaped the schema I had had of my father. Now, at 22...and with my dad once again sitting in a hospital room, I fear this too will have lasting effects.
I've spent a good part of the night crying, but not entirely because of my dad. His being sick right now has been a great excuse to let out tears that have been pent up for a while. I can tell you, clearly, why my dad's being in the hospital indefinitely at this point (there running a smorgasbord of test--the Drs. are beyond perplexed as to what is ailing my father, would you please pray for Wisdom on their behalf, and a speedy discovery of what is going on) would cause tears to spring forth. I cannot however articulate the other culprit for my tears.
All in all..I'm in a good place--Spiritually, physically, emotionally. There's nothing really stressing me out---I've graduated, secured a job(for now), a place to stay, am financially independent with very little debt. I've found a church community I love and am very involved in. I've taken a big chunk out of my Summer reading list (50 books?! What was I thinking :-P). I can pin point spiritual growth, I can also attest to God growing a desire for Him and His Kingdom daily in my heart.
Yet in still there's something here. Something I cant decipher that is weighing my heart down---not a depressive sort of weight, or even unrepentant guilt. Its like a there's a tarnish somewhere dulling a bit of my joy.
I've been reading through a few Psalms tonight particularly 31.
In it, David cries " Into you hands I commit my spirit, redeem me, O lord, the God of truth"
I kept rehearsing this verse, and for the life of me could not figure out what is being said or why I can't stop reading the verse over and over. Sure, I cognitively understand and can parse the meaning of the sentence--its the implications for my life, right now at 3:40 am that are lost on me.
Then I found myself in Luke.
in Luke 23, verse 46 Jesus utters "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit", and then dies on
the Cross. His dying moment, was a moment of complete trust and utter intimacy.
I trust you Lord, I do. I also desire intimacy with you. But I'm missing something here. You're gonna have to forgive my ignorance. I need your Grace more than ever. I also need you to search my heart--I want to commit my spirit to you. And, I think I have in some ways, but cannot deny the affairs of my heart. You're asking more of me, I feel that. You are asking me to do to something, to die to something, to let something go so that You may inhabit. I have no idea what. Legitimately--I have no clue. I could guess. And have tried. Discernment, please and thank you?