Sunday, January 10, 2010

God Complex

The reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. We're still trying to give orders, and interfering with God's work within us.

-- A.W. Tozer

Friday, January 1, 2010

A Year in Review

**at the end of the day failure that is the result of choosing obedience to Christ over my own will is not really failure at all. I have to truly believe that**

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Worthless Idols

2009 Good Bye, Good Riddance. I will NOT miss you. You were a funny, confusing & painful 365 Days.

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8

More on the ways that was beyond true for me this year...

For now, I am grateful for Gods everlasting patience, wisdom and infinite love. I am excited to see what 2010 holds and even more grateful that God continues to do the messy work of loving me and growing me.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.
C. S. Lewis

Friday, September 25, 2009

Bach & Biceps

Ive recently gotten back into working out regularly. A sweet friend of mine thought he'd offer some motivation to help me get over how much i loathe working out by giving me a CD --"Ultimate Runners Mix" filled with, as I'm sure you've guess, a ridiculous amount of techno-house-upbeat-could-be-on-acid songs.

Little known fact: I work out to classical music. :)

The truth is, I dont ever want to be excited or pumped to work out. Its painful, it hurts, you sweat and smell. I think it all stems from the fact that I spent the better part of 6 years pre-college being a workout nazi (not PC?), and grooming myself for Division I Track Dreams. Which i clearly ultimately turned down for the lovely pavements of NYU. So when I say I hate working out, I 100% mean it. I hated doing two-a-days. Hated waking up a 6 am to bang out a circuit work out, all before having a full day of advanced classes only for 3 o'clock to roll around and to have to go do another workout. Listening to classical music was all I could do to not rip my coaches head off as he said "Hey Jas, I know you just ran seven 12 second splits, but how about 2 more...and oh yeah, a couple 400's". Oh really coach Banta?! Sure let me get right on that! Feel great.....Uh NO.

I love what working out does for my body (not the cosmetic part, although that's a great by-product) but rather my health. Love it. I hate how sore I am afterward. I hate how competitive and OCD working out makes me. I hate competing with the stranger next to me on the tread mill, who no mind got on twenty minutes after me, i REFUSE to get off until shes done.

Hello, Crazy Town.

So Again, thanks for the lovely CD. I'll stick to my my Bach, Mozart and Beethoven.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Into your hands I commit my spirit

It's 3 am
I have not written a blog post (well, a published blog post) in ages.

Today, my awesome, wonderful, loving, young (really--he's only 42 soon to be 43!) strong, tough father was admitted to the hospital--he had been experiencing shortness of breath and wheezing for a month or so now, and had lost a considerable amount of weight (20+ lbs). At some point during the day it became impossible for him to breathe, and he expereinced heart failure. He as admitted to St. Lukes around 3 p.m. and continued to float in and out of consciousness for hours.

The one and only time I have seen my father suffer from anything greater than a sinus infection was about 17 years ago. (We reminisced about this story over the phone a few hours ago). He had gotten into a pretty bad car accident, and had to undergo a couple hours of surgery. Post-op, my mom walked me into his hospital room--I was bout 6 at the time--and I remember instantly bursting into tears upon seeing him in the bed all bandaged up. Really, my tears we're a bit uncalled for, at least to the degree in which I cried. By the time I saw him he was out of surgery, pretty chipper and rather mobile. The bandages threw me off though. I was not used to seeing my father so, helpless and so human. Dad had not broken the super man characterization in my mind yet :)

Anyhow, my dad was surprised to know that I even remembered coming to visit him. That hospital room 17 years ago forever reshaped the schema I had had of my father. Now, at 22...and with my dad once again sitting in a hospital room, I fear this too will have lasting effects.

I've spent a good part of the night crying, but not entirely because of my dad. His being sick right now has been a great excuse to let out tears that have been pent up for a while. I can tell you, clearly, why my dad's being in the hospital indefinitely at this point (there running a smorgasbord of test--the Drs. are beyond perplexed as to what is ailing my father, would you please pray for Wisdom on their behalf, and a speedy discovery of what is going on) would cause tears to spring forth. I cannot however articulate the other culprit for my tears.

All in all..I'm in a good place--Spiritually, physically, emotionally. There's nothing really stressing me out---I've graduated, secured a job(for now), a place to stay, am financially independent with very little debt. I've found a church community I love and am very involved in. I've taken a big chunk out of my Summer reading list (50 books?! What was I thinking :-P). I can pin point spiritual growth, I can also attest to God growing a desire for Him and His Kingdom daily in my heart.

Yet in still there's something here. Something I cant decipher that is weighing my heart down---not a depressive sort of weight, or even unrepentant guilt. Its like a there's a tarnish somewhere dulling a bit of my joy.

I've been reading through a few Psalms tonight particularly 31.

In it, David cries " Into you hands I commit my spirit, redeem me, O lord, the God of truth"
I kept rehearsing this verse, and for the life of me could not figure out what is being said or why I can't stop reading the verse over and over. Sure, I cognitively understand and can parse the meaning of the sentence--its the implications for my life, right now at 3:40 am that are lost on me.

Then I found myself in Luke.
in Luke 23, verse 46 Jesus utters "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit", and then dies on
the Cross. His dying moment, was a moment of complete trust and utter intimacy.

I trust you Lord, I do. I also desire intimacy with you. But I'm missing something here. You're gonna have to forgive my ignorance. I need your Grace more than ever. I also need you to search my heart--I want to commit my spirit to you. And, I think I have in some ways, but cannot deny the affairs of my heart. You're asking more of me, I feel that. You are asking me to do to something, to die to something, to let something go so that You may inhabit. I have no idea what. Legitimately--I have no clue. I could guess. And have tried. Discernment, please and thank you?

3:52 a.m.

Friday, May 29, 2009

I can't even begin to articulate how much [inexplicable] joy this video brings me. I can't understand one the English break-down midway. There is something oh so very familiar and foreign at the same time. But those beats,that cadence, the inflections the passion the soul, the praise--that I know. That I understand. Above all, I watch it and it helps to usher my heart into praise as well. :-) I love that!

1 Chronicles 16:9
Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

It's simple things like this--or listening to a roommate pray in Spanish, noticing a friends Russian Bible--that remind me of how Universal, how relevant God is. Galatians speaks of the notion that all have been united with Christ in baptism. This facts--this knitting together of believers excites me beyond measure, it truly does. I know its a bit of a "duh" observation. But sometimes it takes seeing something in practice not just theory for it to hit home for me :-)

1 Chronicles 16:23
Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Christ is Risen!

Prayer and Meditation are soo wonderful for my soul. I was inspired by a comment Susan made Saturday morning as we were talking about our Easter plans and she expressed desire to want to fully experience Holy Week, whatever that may entail, and spend more time in prayer.

Over the of the last couple hours of reflecting and communing with God, I became so overwhelmed with gratefulness and awe. Awe that I--WE, get to take part in the truth of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior. The love He has poured down on us, even at it's simplest, seems so completely incomprehensible, truly. When I sit and meditate on the the gift of such a sweeping sacrifice and the fact the Jesus not only was raised from the dead by the power of the Holy Spirit but is alive and well today; it is all just Breathtaking & humbling, and simply too too good.

The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world. Still before us lie work, discipline, sacrifice. But the fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the discipline, and make the sacrifice. ~Henry Knox Sherrill

In your death you have given me new life, and life more abundantly! Praise you. Thank you Father for moving the walls that I never could, for breaking the chains of sin, and for the cleansing and redemptive blood of your Son. I thank you that the death of your Son was not the end of hope, but the beginning! May I not lose sight of you in my life, may I never be so blinded to forget the power and truth of your Resurrection (Luke 24:13-35). May I joyfully join in the work that you are doing here and now. Thank you that you have chosen someone as stained and incomplete as me and made me pure and whole.

Our Lord has risen, he has risen indeed