Worthless Idols

2009 Good Bye, Good Riddance. I will NOT miss you. You were a funny, confusing & painful 365 Days.

"Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Jonah 2:8

More on the ways that was beyond true for me this year...

For now, I am grateful for Gods everlasting patience, wisdom and infinite love. I am excited to see what 2010 holds and even more grateful that God continues to do the messy work of loving me and growing me.

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.
C. S. Lewis

Bach & Biceps

Ive recently gotten back into working out regularly. A sweet friend of mine thought he'd offer some motivation to help me get over how much i loathe working out by giving me a CD --"Ultimate Runners Mix" filled with, as I'm sure you've guess, a ridiculous amount of techno-house-upbeat-could-be-on-acid songs.

Little known fact: I work out to classical music. :)

The truth is, I dont ever want to be excited or pumped to work out. Its painful, it hurts, you sweat and smell. I think it all stems from the fact that I spent the better part of 6 years pre-college being a workout nazi (not PC?), and grooming myself for Division I Track Dreams. Which i clearly ultimately turned down for the lovely pavements of NYU. So when I say I hate working out, I 100% mean it. I hated doing two-a-days. Hated waking up a 6 am to bang out a circuit work out, all before having a full day of advanced classes only for 3 o'clock to roll around and to have to go do another workout. Listening to classical music was all I could do to not rip my coaches head off as he said "Hey Jas, I know you just ran seven 12 second splits, but how about 2 more...and oh yeah, a couple 400's". Oh really coach Banta?! Sure let me get right on that! Feel great.....Uh NO.

I love what working out does for my body (not the cosmetic part, although that's a great by-product) but rather my health. Love it. I hate how sore I am afterward. I hate how competitive and OCD working out makes me. I hate competing with the stranger next to me on the tread mill, who no mind got on twenty minutes after me, i REFUSE to get off until shes done.

Hello, Crazy Town.

So Again, thanks for the lovely CD. I'll stick to my my Bach, Mozart and Beethoven.

Into your hands I commit my spirit

It's 3 am
I have not written a blog post (well, a published blog post) in ages.

Today, my awesome, wonderful, loving, young (really--he's only 42 soon to be 43!) strong, tough father was admitted to the hospital--he had been experiencing shortness of breath and wheezing for a month or so now, and had lost a considerable amount of weight (20+ lbs). At some point during the day it became impossible for him to breathe, and he expereinced heart failure. He as admitted to St. Lukes around 3 p.m. and continued to float in and out of consciousness for hours.

The one and only time I have seen my father suffer from anything greater than a sinus infection was about 17 years ago. (We reminisced about this story over the phone a few hours ago). He had gotten into a pretty bad car accident, and had to undergo a couple hours of surgery. Post-op, my mom walked me into his hospital room--I was bout 6 at the time--and I remember instantly bursting into tears upon seeing him in the bed all bandaged up. Really, my tears we're a bit uncalled for, at least to the degree in which I cried. By the time I saw him he was out of surgery, pretty chipper and rather mobile. The bandages threw me off though. I was not used to seeing my father so, helpless and so human. Dad had not broken the super man characterization in my mind yet :)

Anyhow, my dad was surprised to know that I even remembered coming to visit him. That hospital room 17 years ago forever reshaped the schema I had had of my father. Now, at 22...and with my dad once again sitting in a hospital room, I fear this too will have lasting effects.



I've spent a good part of the night crying, but not entirely because of my dad. His being sick right now has been a great excuse to let out tears that have been pent up for a while. I can tell you, clearly, why my dad's being in the hospital indefinitely at this point (there running a smorgasbord of test--the Drs. are beyond perplexed as to what is ailing my father, would you please pray for Wisdom on their behalf, and a speedy discovery of what is going on) would cause tears to spring forth. I cannot however articulate the other culprit for my tears.

All in all..I'm in a good place--Spiritually, physically, emotionally. There's nothing really stressing me out---I've graduated, secured a job(for now), a place to stay, am financially independent with very little debt. I've found a church community I love and am very involved in. I've taken a big chunk out of my Summer reading list (50 books?! What was I thinking :-P). I can pin point spiritual growth, I can also attest to God growing a desire for Him and His Kingdom daily in my heart.


Yet in still there's something here. Something I cant decipher that is weighing my heart down---not a depressive sort of weight, or even unrepentant guilt. Its like a there's a tarnish somewhere dulling a bit of my joy.

I've been reading through a few Psalms tonight particularly 31.

In it, David cries " Into you hands I commit my spirit, redeem me, O lord, the God of truth"
I kept rehearsing this verse, and for the life of me could not figure out what is being said or why I can't stop reading the verse over and over. Sure, I cognitively understand and can parse the meaning of the sentence--its the implications for my life, right now at 3:40 am that are lost on me.

Then I found myself in Luke.
in Luke 23, verse 46 Jesus utters "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit", and then dies on
the Cross. His dying moment, was a moment of complete trust and utter intimacy.

I trust you Lord, I do. I also desire intimacy with you. But I'm missing something here. You're gonna have to forgive my ignorance. I need your Grace more than ever. I also need you to search my heart--I want to commit my spirit to you. And, I think I have in some ways, but cannot deny the affairs of my heart. You're asking more of me, I feel that. You are asking me to do to something, to die to something, to let something go so that You may inhabit. I have no idea what. Legitimately--I have no clue. I could guess. And have tried. Discernment, please and thank you?

3:52 a.m.

I can't even begin to articulate how much [inexplicable] joy this video brings me. I can't understand one word..save the English break-down midway. There is something oh so very familiar and foreign at the same time. But those beats,that cadence, the inflections the passion the soul, the praise--that I know. That I understand. Above all, I watch it and it helps to usher my heart into praise as well. :-) I love that!

1 Chronicles 16:9
Sing to him, sing praise to him; tell of all his wonderful acts.

It's simple things like this--or listening to a roommate pray in Spanish, noticing a friends Russian Bible--that remind me of how Universal, how relevant God is. Galatians speaks of the notion that all have been united with Christ in baptism. This facts--this knitting together of believers excites me beyond measure, it truly does. I know its a bit of a "duh" observation. But sometimes it takes seeing something in practice not just theory for it to hit home for me :-)

1 Chronicles 16:23
Sing to the LORD, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day

Christ is Risen!

Prayer and Meditation are soo wonderful for my soul. I was inspired by a comment Susan made Saturday morning as we were talking about our Easter plans and she expressed desire to want to fully experience Holy Week, whatever that may entail, and spend more time in prayer.

Over the of the last couple hours of reflecting and communing with God, I became so overwhelmed with gratefulness and awe. Awe that I--WE, get to take part in the truth of the Resurrection of our Lord and Savior. The love He has poured down on us, even at it's simplest, seems so completely incomprehensible, truly. When I sit and meditate on the the gift of such a sweeping sacrifice and the fact the Jesus not only was raised from the dead by the power of the Holy Spirit but is alive and well today; it is all just Breathtaking & humbling, and simply too too good.

The joyful news that He is risen does not change the contemporary world. Still before us lie work, discipline, sacrifice. But the fact of Easter gives us the spiritual power to do the work, accept the discipline, and make the sacrifice. ~Henry Knox Sherrill

In your death you have given me new life, and life more abundantly! Praise you. Thank you Father for moving the walls that I never could, for breaking the chains of sin, and for the cleansing and redemptive blood of your Son. I thank you that the death of your Son was not the end of hope, but the beginning! May I not lose sight of you in my life, may I never be so blinded to forget the power and truth of your Resurrection (Luke 24:13-35). May I joyfully join in the work that you are doing here and now. Thank you that you have chosen someone as stained and incomplete as me and made me pure and whole.

Our Lord has risen, he has risen indeed

Bad Blogger, Bad.

You know that feeling of anticipation/butterflies when you haven't been to a particular place that you used to frequent in a while?

Will they remember me? Can I still sit at the same table? Do the old rules still apply, or do I have to learn a new schema?! Oh, Man this is awkward...what if they forgot my face... Will they ask why I've been gone for so long? Do I still fit in, will I be welcomed back?

That's how I'm feeling about Blogger

Blogger, will you still accept me?
I promise I didn't mean to leave for so long.

I have some awesome stories for you!

So, I will expand on this soon

But I just left the most AWKWARD conversation with my boss

who took it upon himself to take me into his office and then QUESTION how someone as "educated" as myself, could possibly belief in something as irrational as [a] God.

and then peppered me with questions for a good 20 minutes....mind you this man has a PhD in Theology...taught at the collegiate level.... and grew up baptist. But is now a strong agnostic.

And actually expects me to formulate, and articulate arguments to his satisfaction

I was praying without ceasing, that God would make sure my words were of him, not argumentative, and full of Truth.

and he thinks that this should be an ongoing thing because he finds "religious folk so darn interesting"... [insert supremely condescending voice]

Good Lord.

Google Art

I love the way the artwork on Google.com varies, almost daily. The themes are usually very kitschy and appropriate for the day---red white and blue for the Inauguration, a cartoon Easter bunny, etc. Also, I love that when ever you click on the logo it brings you to the artist info behind the image. Today for example: Jackson Pollock. Some of my past faves have included Rene Magritte (OBSESSED) Marc Chagall, Warhol...

I've rediscovered how much I enjoy fantastic design. I think that's why I'm so obsessed with people with wicked effervescent style. I stare at apartment design architecture/independent artist blogs daily, and get giddy. I have bookmark folders entitled "Living Room Inspiration", "Decorating", "DIY Design" "Possible Bedrooom" "Modern Design" "Minimalist Architecture"... you get the point.

A few of my faves:
ohjoy.blogspot.com
seaofshoes.typepad.com
refinery29.com
racked.com
jakandjil.com
oncewed.com
Apartmenttherapy.com

Woman of the Bible

My bosses are insane. Every time I tell stories to my mom about the shenanigans of working at Local 237 she cracks up. I was hired to do research for the Education Department of the Union, but usually end up doing a lot of random admin stuff, listening to everyone complain about each other (which wears on the soul), homework, midday shopping excursions, handling member question, facebook etc. At some point I plan on devoting an entry to each one of the "characters in my office"--The Alcoholic but God-fearing Director, the single living-like-a-bachelorette-with a-whole-lotta-debt Assistant Director, and the Jaded secretary,--just to name a few.

choice quote from today
"G**damnit these people make me sick! Oh wait, honey I'm so sorry! I don't mean to offend you, I know you're a woman of the Bible" - Jaded Secretary

Anyway so the entire department decided to take a 3+ hour lunch..and I'm here holding down the fort all on my lonesome, reading Ladies Home Journal (don't judge, limited access at work!) There's an article referencing a challenge featured in Smith magazine (smithmag.net): Write your love story in six words. The results were complied in a new book called Six-Word Memoirs on Love & Heartbreak, and they range from absurdly funny to poignant to downright heartrending.

"Magnetic attraction fused two polar opposites"

"Not always perfect. But so worthwile"

"Much married, fourth time is charmed"

"May/December...the best of seasons"

"Hog the covers, I don't mind"

"He's dumb but lifts heavy stuff"

LOL's

The Potters House

Edit

Tramaine Hawkins- The Potter's House

This song has been the lifter of my spirits all winter. There's a line where the chorus kinda erupts and loudly proclaims "give Him the fragments of your broken life! My friend, the Potter wants to put you back together again"





I was brought to Hosea for what seems like the 200th time in the last 6 months.

6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.

7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'

God is just so impossibly relational. Every aspect of his hand in our life revolves around his flawed people interacting and bearing with one another, and most of all loving each other well. I want to be known for loving my friends, family and other loved ones well. I have been so selfish with my time and am grateful that God redeems relationships.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

I was just so so comforted by being romanced by God. All the ways I was looking for Alex to love me better, I had the God of the Universe trying to allure me?! WHAT?! We prayed that we would both be allured by God and would fall in love with Him again and again. "God delights in revealing himself to those who will seek him with all their hearts"- Captivating

Jumble jumbled thoughts. bleh. Lighter posts to follow.

"Everyday I must choose to lay down my defensiveness and allow the healing balm of Jesus to attend to my wound and allow him to by my God, my Strength, and my Defender"

I came tonight, to the Potter's house with a crap load of fragments, and will wait patiently on my Lord, my Lover to put them back together again.

I Really suck at updating.
It actually kind of makes me laugh a bit.
=]